Mayhem

Looking back at my life, I wonder where it all began to go wrong for me.

I was such a happy kid; loved to play soccer, build lego and watch cartoons. I was as happy as any 8-year-old could be. I grew up like everyone in my age group and did everything I was expected to at that age, good and not-so-bad. Nothing extraordinary about me at all.

Until my dad died on my 9th birthday. My dear daddy died while rushing home so he could be on time for my birthday party.

My mum and my siblings cried all night, and I looked on, confused. I wasn’t entirely sure what was going on, and I was still kinda waiting for my birthday gift from him. He had promised me a remote controlled car.

I was young and clueless.

I guess that was when things really began to take a turn for the worse for me

My mother never uttered the words, but I knew she blamed me for papa’s death. It was as if she saw the driver of the trailer that crashed into his datsun whenever she looked at me.

The happy-go-lucky kid I was slowly faded into the recesses of my mind. I started to withdraw from people and spent a lot more time alone, talking to myself, getting consumed with thoughts that got darker each time. I was my new best friend.

The happy kid was entirely gone now. He had been replaced by one filled with anger and resentment. Anger at the world, and resentment at his nother. I didn’t recognise myself anymore and secretly, I was glad. The old me was a pushover and I didn’t care for his whiny attitude anymore. I became more disrespectful, more impatient, more volatile towards everyone and everything.

Slowly, but surely, she noticed the changes in me and her attitude, along with those of my siblings, towards me changed. My food rations steadily reduced and my school fees were never paid on time even though we obviously had the money, seeing as my other siblings had no such problems.

Eventually, I couldn’t bear it anymore. There’s only so much a kid can take, so I decided to face life squarely on my own. Today I am 26, and its been exactly 15 years since I went solo. That life and most of the memories associated with it are far behind me. I don’t think I looked back even once.

One can argue that this was the worst decision I could have made. Being on my own, coupled with hanging with the a certain kind of crowd, brought out a more sinister side to my already confused character.

I lost all the emotions and feelings that any 11year old kid should have. I hated the world and everyone and everything in it. I sought a way out, a release.

At first, hE would come looking for me at night. Taunting me, tempting and daring me. Occasionally I would grant him an audience out of curiosity. I wanted to know who hE was and what hIS intentions were.

hE came to the rescue whenever I felt anger towards someone and when I needed to let off steam. HE was always there, taking charge. Handling things. He seemed to feed off of anger and I was a disgruntled teen with lots of it.

As time passed and I grew older, I thought I had begun to understand hIM better. Deluded myself into believing I could control hIM. Whenever I needed a thrill, I’d go looking for hIM. Slowly, unknowing, getting addicted to the rush I got from each episode.

And then the blackouts started. I would sleep in the comfort of my shack and wake up either on an abandoned street, an uncompleted building or a market square, depending on how nicely he treated me that night.

My actions of the previous night unknown to me, but I would wake up to witness people gathering around, or not too far from me. I’d chucked it up to coincidence, but a part of me knew better.

I couldn’t shake off the pull my inner self had to the vices of life but I struggled on hoping to overcome. I still saw value in having an education, so I hawked wares to pay my way through a local secondary school, acquiring the much needed grades to enroll at a higher institution.

I figured I would have to work for a considerable amount of years, save money and then work some more to pay my way through university. I wanted to be comfortable during my higher education. Average at least, I knew hoping for the life of the wealthy was a long shot.

While moving from one menial job to another, I met Mrs. J and we hit it off straightaway. She was lonely. She was horny. She liked me. There really wasn’t much else that mattered to us.

Romps in her car, in her office and in her boys-quarters (right under her husband’s nose) soon became the order of the day.

Yes, she was Married. So what?

She was a 42-year-old cougar, sexy as hell, and was mind-blowing in bed. Plus, there was no way I was going to turn away from all the gifts and money I was being showered with. Some say money can’t buy happiness, but it’s a hell of a lot more comfortable to cry in a brand new mercedes than it is while trudging through mud under the rain.

She was my ticket to a better life.

The fantasies of the university life I wanted began to materialise. I would be rich, I would have all the girls in school, and I would be KING. We wouldn’t have it any other way.

I was gonna get rid of the image my mum had planted in my head. The thoughts that had lingered, taunting me from the back of my mind

I WASN’T A FAILURE

Everything was finally falling into place. It was going to be fine afterall. hE even stopped coming around so often.

Then she came to see me one day with a proposition: “I want you all to myself. I don’t want to ever have to share you” She’d said as we lay in bed.

I should have known all the generousity was too good to be true. I resented her for this. As far as I was concerned, this was an act of betrayal, and I was not in the least bit pleased about it.

Predictably, hE showed up again, putting ideas in my head, and tempting me with solutions to the problem. I managed to reign him in. For now, WE needed her and she would be spared. But I knew deep down she was one false move from facing hIS wrath.

She’d asked me to go somewhere with her, if I indeed wanted to continue to be with her. I stayed up all night, tossing the offer around my mind, trying to weigh the pros and cons. She wanted me to herself, but surely I could still have a few flings here and there without her knowledge. Right?

I was afraid not only because it was a very dicey situation but also because I knew what hE was gonna do if it all went horribly wrong.

And I had fears it would.

I agreed to her words, but only because I couldn’t let go of the luxuries being with her afforded me and I couldn’t care less what became of her afterwards.

I was desperate.

She came on to me, She offered herself to me. It wasn’t my fault was it?

The next day, I drove her into a remote village in Aparaki and we soon found our way to the house of an elderly looking fellow.

They went in and discussed and I could overhear them arguing whether or not I was ripe and ready for the ‘DEED’

This should have been my cue to leave but I was being controlled by my ‘lust’ which was in turn being fed by hIM.

Right there and then hE decided that if she wanted us to herself, we would have to get her husband out of the way, hE didn’t want to share her with anyone either.

I had no say in the matter.

I was led by this old man into a room that looked creepy. He asked me to stand in a circle that he had drawn on the floor, and he started chanting gibberish.

The next thing I knew I was looking at my own body as I floated into a trance and he began to coat my body with ointments and what not.

I blanked out.

I woke up to see myself being driven home by her. I had a million and one questions to ask and tried to speak, but I couldn’t muster enough strength. I blanked out again but this time around it was different, hE was taking control of our fate again. hE had taken total control of me.

I awoke to screams and pleas as Mrs. J begged me not to go ahead with it. I watched from behind the transparent glass that my eyes had become, trapped, unable to control my body or my actions. hE held in his hands a knife, smirking at Mr. J who was on his knees, sweating profusely seeing his life dangle before his eyes.

I blanked out again.

The next time I woke up, I was in her room. A quick glance at the clock informed me I had been out for 8 hours.

I struggled to piece together bits of my memory as I kept getting flashes of what might have occurred the night before. There was screaming, slashing, blood, more screaming. All flashing, blurry images. Nothing really clear in my mind’s eye.

And then I saw her husband’s body on the floor in a pool of his own blood.

I was still coming to terms with this and trying to tie loose ends together when I noticed Mrs. J was hunched over not too far from the body, scrubbing at the carpet furiously.

I sat up on the bed and the creaking noise it made alerted her and she came to sit beside me.

She told me she wanted him out of the way eventually but that it hurt to see me take his life like that.

She then promised not to tell anyone as long as I didn’t break her heart or let her down in the future.

Again I agreed, it was a fair deal under the circumstances. I had the life I wanted, her husband out of the way, and all of her to myself. At least till hE was tired.

Then she added: “That man took away your ability to please other women, your manhood will respond to only ME now”

And in that instant I knew hE was tired of her and this time I agreed with hIM

My name is Nnamdi but together hE and I go by the name…

MAYHEM